The real Germany - travel guide

We've had a lot of visitors lately. The guest bedroom that usually houses our wet laundry is now housing guests. So after three weekends in a row of showing people around town, I have come up with some instructions on how to have an authentic German experience. Forget lederhosen and oompah bands, and welcome to the real Germany.

1. Ride a bike
Want to get around town like a German? Hop on a bike. Want to get run over by a German? Walk around in the bike lane. It will start with the polite ding of a bell, which then gets more and more insistent as the bike comes closer to you, dumb foreign pedestrian. Then you might get yelled at. For your own safety, please stay on your side of the sidewalk.

At least for Americans, there is a child-like thrill to getting on your bike and riding around with your friends. When you were eight, you rode to the pool or the store. Now, if you are me, you ride... to the pool or the store, or to work or to anywhere else. It's easier than driving a car, faster than taking a bus, and, just like when you were eight, you can drink a beer and get back on the bike without breaking any laws.

Know which part of the sidewalk is for you

2. Visit a Biergarten
It's a beautiful time of year in Germany. The biergartens are open. So come on by - preferrably by bike - and order up a big one. Know that you don't have to specify the kind of beer. It's like in Cheers reruns when Norm shows up and orders beer. That's all you need to do. There might be a menu, but it's not necessary. Sit in the sun while it's out and slurp up those suds. They taste great in the outdoors.

My parents having a true German experience

3. Eat Turkish food
Do you think that Germans only eat potato salad and wiener schnitzel? Wrong. They do eat those things, but not nearly as often as they eat croissants and pizza and especially Turkish food. What I really mean is Döner - the Turkish version of a gyro with rotisserie roasted lamb shaved off and packed into a spongy pita bread with veggies and tzaziki sauce... I'm getting hungry just typing those words. There is a Döner shop on most every corner in cities, and even tucked away in sleepy towns where you'd think no immigrant would go. It's tasty, it's cheap, and it's not nearly as bad for you as a Big Mac and fries. Though you can get fries too, and they are delicious.

4. Have a lazy Sunday
God rested on the seventh day, and so do the Germans. They take Sundays seriously. There are no shops open, very few cars on the road, no reason to get out of your pajamas. Bakeries open from 8-11 so that you can buy Brötchen (rolls) for the obligatory long German breakfast (see #7).  Then it's quiet time, all day long. On Sunday, it's against the law to mow your lawn or blast music. At first it bothered me that I couldn't go to the grocery store or run any errands on a Sunday or start the laundry before 10am (too noisy). Now I am ok with it. Having a day of rest worked out for God, and his laundry is way more important than mine.

5. Keep quiet
Germans are not loud people. Except when they are drunk or watching soccer, or - most often - drunk and watching soccer. It's also good to know that when you, as an American, speak in your normal volume (in Germany that is loud) in English, people can often understand you. Just because you don't know what the Germans are saying doesn't mean they don't catch you commenting on how quiet the bus is or how long that guy's mullet is.

6. Watch football
And by football I mean soccer. If possible, watch it outdoors on a huge TV screen with a few hundred other people. That way you can yell and drink beer together. If possible, wear your team's jersey or scarf and learn the right songs to sing.

Americans often think that soccer is boring and we don't really understand what all the players are supposed to be doing. That is how Europeans feel about baseball. But on game days, it's hard not to get caught up in the excitement, even if you have no clue what's going on.

7. Go to the bakery
Need breakfast? coffee and a newspaper? a quick snack? Go to the bakery. You won't have to look too hard; there's one on almost every corner. You'll need some bakery-specific vocabulary, but pointing and grunting also works. And on the weekends, you will need to throw on some sweat pants and get the rolls before 11. Your rolls are to go with the four different kinds of cheeses, 2-3 deli meats and exactly four spreads on the table. Go ahead, make a butter/gouda/jam/ham/cucumber roll. Then make one slathered in Nutella. And linger over it for an hour or three. It's Sunday, after all.

All you need for an authentic visit to Germany are these 7 tips. And you've got them here, for free.
Take that, Rick Steves. And order yourself a Döner while you're at it.