What Germany has in common with TV jail

My latest guilty pleasure is watching Orange is the New Black when Brian is not at home. It reminds me of when I used to go to the county correctional facility (i.e. jail) every month for my job. It did sort of look like the jail on the TV show. There is almost nothing about living in Germany that is remotely like going to prison, except for one thing - the type of contraband.

In the episode I just watched, the Russian cook hides her bottles of vanilla extract in the paper towel dispenser. I just got a small bottle of Target brand vanilla smuggled on from the States. It's now tucked away in my spice rack.

You see, I can do without the bagels and the Wheat Thins and the root beer and the Reese's cups and those other American things. I've learned to make tortillas and salsa and my own Bisquick substitute. I can bake a pie without Crisco, but I have nothing to replace vanilla extract. I once tried a recipe for making it at home... ingredients included vanilla beans, vodka, a glass jar and a dark room. A couple of months later, mine just smelled like bad vodka and tasted boozy enough to give you a buzz from your chocolate chip cookie. It reminded me of when our friend Luke tried to make bacon-infused vodka and ended up with a gray, greasy mess. Brian and I both tried it because we care about Luke. Afterward, we realized we don't care about him that much.

As a kid, I used to love smelling the vanilla extract when my mom baked brownies. She told me never to taste it out of the bottle because it would make me sick. I thought vanilla must have some mysterious poison that goes away when it is cooked. Now, 25 years later, I realize I was right; that poison is called alcohol.

So without the knack to make my own vanilla and without the will to use German recipes for dry cakes that require a kitchen scale, I have become a smuggler. I prefer the term 'importer'. Much like the women inmates in the TV show, I horde vanilla extract and would probably trade my shampoo, my deodorant and my one free phone call to get another bottle.

**An aside (like you need another one) German baked goods that are bread-related are fantastic. The breads and pastries here are delicious. My award for cakes and cookies, however, goes to the Americans.**

The other contraband I have recently been promised is a 2 pound bag of chocolate chips. It was offered by our nerdy chemistry teacher (is there another kind?) who bought the chips on a trip to the US. Brian speculates that bringing me chocolate chips is the chemistry teacher's way of hitting on me. I think it's just a ploy to get me to bake cookies for him, or as he says, to be his "cookie bitch".

I can't speak to whether Orange is the New Black is accurate, since I only ever met with the male inmates at the Ramsey County Correctional Facility. The main character in the show seems familiar, though. I'm pretty sure if I went to prison, I would also be the skinny white girl with a fancy college degree. Wouldn't that make an interesting blog? I'd have to scribble my posts on paper and hide them under my mattress or something... maybe even eat them if I got caught. I'm not sure whether I could handle being an inmate, but I don't need to worry. I haven't stolen any cars or done any drug deals. And I am pretty sure that importing baking ingredients is not enough to land me in jail. If it were and I had to work in the inmates' kitchen, though, at least I'd remember to hide the vanilla.